Friday, June 19, 2009

even after everything

after all that's said and done, at the end of the day, a big part of my heart is undeniably still in toronto, with my family and friends i've known for 10 years, or even in the last few years.

i don't know what it is, but it seems like every time i go back, it gets harder and harder to leave. isn't it supposed to get easier?!?

guess it's true what they say, distance makes the heart grow happened between my sisters and i. we were never really close/got along until i moved here, i mean the middle one and i were even housemates in university for a term, and we definitely did not click. she's always been closer to my youngest sister, even though their age gap was 5 years, while ours was 2, but now she listens to my opinions, and we actually talk! granted, she is more mature and in a different place in life now, which changes many things. but the growth in our sisterhood came unexpectedly...

as were the newer friendships i formed only after i left, while previously existing friendships faded doesn't really compute, but life's just funny that way. nothing ever happens the way you expect it to.

some of my TO friends are still surprised when they find out that i'm planning on staying out here indefinitely/permanently/whatever you want to call it, even though i had decided that over a year ago already.

it was really tough to physically get on the plane and come back.. to leave the ones i treasure deeply, especially my family, whom i can never talk about without getting emotional, not really knowing when we'll see each other again. i wanted to run back out of the airport gates like they do in the climax in the movie, when they realize what a huge mistake they're making, and they run like they're running for their life, until they finally catch up to their loved one and they reunite in a big embrace with tears running down their faces uncontrollably.

.......yeah, i like drama. haha there, i said it. that, and singer/songwriter/guitarists like gabe bondoc..omggggg if i could marry him i so would. then he could play and sing for me everyday, all the time, without break. why are those ppl all in CALI!?!why can't they be here in vancity?!sigh.

sorry tangent!"MOR-MON, MOR-MON"!!!!

wow. i need sleep.

back to my point.......i guess that's why i've been slow in attacking my accreditation...because i'm scared, and it means i'm really really saying that i want to be here permanently (not that i haven't already), but it's like another brick i'm laying down, that further cements my decision to be here, until the point of no return. wellllllll, i guess that's not true, but i would have invested a lot, and it'd all go to waste if i moved back.

honestly the biggest differences between the 2 cities are: church and nature (and family obviously, but i have awesome friends in both places, just more in TO, sadly.)

the only thing keeping me from going back is my church community-my amazing CG who loves and gives and supports to no end, the pastor whose sermons get me right there, and the crazy prayers i receive. there is no other place i've ever known like this before, and i've learned soooooo much since i started going. i've learned how to pray with more of His authority and how to rely on Him for things i thought i could handle on my own...only to see how much GREATER things can be when i do rely on Him. He's shown me how well He truly knows who i am, and just showers me with His goodness because i am me. i don't believe i would've been able to experience the same extent of this crazy, over-the-top love had i stayed in Toronto, sooooooooo we're back at square 1.

i knew the conclusion before i wrote all this, but this is for all you people in TO, so you know how much y'all mean to me, that you still make me go back and forth, wishing for what i don't have, long after i knew what the final answer would be anyway. it's torturous, believe me, but i needed to remind myself of the reasons why i need to be here, because i was pretty depressed to be back.

so to my TO peeps - just cuz i'm here doesn't mean i love you guys any less!!!!!!!!


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