"Missing someone isn’t about how long
it has been since you have seen them
or the amount of time since you’ve talked.
It’s about that very moment when
you’re doing something and you wish
that they were right there with you."
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
"Missing someone isn’t about how long
it has been since you have seen them
or the amount of time since you’ve talked.
It’s about that very moment when
you’re doing something and you wish
that they were right there with you."
Friday, June 19, 2009
even after everything
after all that's said and done, at the end of the day, a big part of my heart is undeniably still in toronto, with my family and friends i've known for 10 years, or even in the last few years.
i don't know what it is, but it seems like every time i go back, it gets harder and harder to leave. isn't it supposed to get easier?!?
guess it's true what they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder..it happened between my sisters and i. we were never really close/got along until i moved here, i mean the middle one and i were even housemates in university for a term, and we definitely did not click. she's always been closer to my youngest sister, even though their age gap was 5 years, while ours was 2, but now she listens to my opinions, and we actually talk! granted, she is more mature and in a different place in life now, which changes many things. but the growth in our sisterhood came unexpectedly...
as were the newer friendships i formed only after i left, while previously existing friendships faded away...it doesn't really compute, but life's just funny that way. nothing ever happens the way you expect it to.
some of my TO friends are still surprised when they find out that i'm planning on staying out here indefinitely/permanently/whatever you want to call it, even though i had decided that over a year ago already.
it was really tough to physically get on the plane and come back.. to leave the ones i treasure deeply, especially my family, whom i can never talk about without getting emotional, not really knowing when we'll see each other again. i wanted to run back out of the airport gates like they do in the climax in the movie, when they realize what a huge mistake they're making, and they run like they're running for their life, until they finally catch up to their loved one and they reunite in a big embrace with tears running down their faces uncontrollably.
.......yeah, i like drama. haha there, i said it. that, and singer/songwriter/guitarists like gabe bondoc..omggggg if i could marry him i so would. then he could play and sing for me everyday, all the time, without break. why are those ppl all in CALI!?!why can't they be here in vancity?!sigh.
sorry tangent!"MOR-MON, MOR-MON"!!!!
rofl..
wow. i need sleep.
back to my point.......i guess that's why i've been slow in attacking my accreditation...because i'm scared, and it means i'm really really saying that i want to be here permanently (not that i haven't already), but it's like another brick i'm laying down, that further cements my decision to be here, until the point of no return. wellllllll, i guess that's not true, but i would have invested a lot, and it'd all go to waste if i moved back.
honestly the biggest differences between the 2 cities are: church and nature (and family obviously, but i have awesome friends in both places, just more in TO, sadly.)
the only thing keeping me from going back is my church community-my amazing CG who loves and gives and supports to no end, the pastor whose sermons get me right there, and the crazy prayers i receive. there is no other place i've ever known like this before, and i've learned soooooo much since i started going. i've learned how to pray with more of His authority and how to rely on Him for things i thought i could handle on my own...only to see how much GREATER things can be when i do rely on Him. He's shown me how well He truly knows who i am, and just showers me with His goodness because i am me. i don't believe i would've been able to experience the same extent of this crazy, over-the-top love had i stayed in Toronto, sooooooooo we're back at square 1.
i knew the conclusion before i wrote all this, but this is for all you people in TO, so you know how much y'all mean to me, that you still make me go back and forth, wishing for what i don't have, long after i knew what the final answer would be anyway. it's torturous, believe me, but i needed to remind myself of the reasons why i need to be here, because i was pretty depressed to be back.
so to my TO peeps - just cuz i'm here doesn't mean i love you guys any less!!!!!!!!
xoxo
i don't know what it is, but it seems like every time i go back, it gets harder and harder to leave. isn't it supposed to get easier?!?
guess it's true what they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder..it happened between my sisters and i. we were never really close/got along until i moved here, i mean the middle one and i were even housemates in university for a term, and we definitely did not click. she's always been closer to my youngest sister, even though their age gap was 5 years, while ours was 2, but now she listens to my opinions, and we actually talk! granted, she is more mature and in a different place in life now, which changes many things. but the growth in our sisterhood came unexpectedly...
as were the newer friendships i formed only after i left, while previously existing friendships faded away...it doesn't really compute, but life's just funny that way. nothing ever happens the way you expect it to.
some of my TO friends are still surprised when they find out that i'm planning on staying out here indefinitely/permanently/whatever you want to call it, even though i had decided that over a year ago already.
it was really tough to physically get on the plane and come back.. to leave the ones i treasure deeply, especially my family, whom i can never talk about without getting emotional, not really knowing when we'll see each other again. i wanted to run back out of the airport gates like they do in the climax in the movie, when they realize what a huge mistake they're making, and they run like they're running for their life, until they finally catch up to their loved one and they reunite in a big embrace with tears running down their faces uncontrollably.
.......yeah, i like drama. haha there, i said it. that, and singer/songwriter/guitarists like gabe bondoc..omggggg if i could marry him i so would. then he could play and sing for me everyday, all the time, without break. why are those ppl all in CALI!?!why can't they be here in vancity?!sigh.
sorry tangent!"MOR-MON, MOR-MON"!!!!
rofl..
wow. i need sleep.
back to my point.......i guess that's why i've been slow in attacking my accreditation...because i'm scared, and it means i'm really really saying that i want to be here permanently (not that i haven't already), but it's like another brick i'm laying down, that further cements my decision to be here, until the point of no return. wellllllll, i guess that's not true, but i would have invested a lot, and it'd all go to waste if i moved back.
honestly the biggest differences between the 2 cities are: church and nature (and family obviously, but i have awesome friends in both places, just more in TO, sadly.)
the only thing keeping me from going back is my church community-my amazing CG who loves and gives and supports to no end, the pastor whose sermons get me right there, and the crazy prayers i receive. there is no other place i've ever known like this before, and i've learned soooooo much since i started going. i've learned how to pray with more of His authority and how to rely on Him for things i thought i could handle on my own...only to see how much GREATER things can be when i do rely on Him. He's shown me how well He truly knows who i am, and just showers me with His goodness because i am me. i don't believe i would've been able to experience the same extent of this crazy, over-the-top love had i stayed in Toronto, sooooooooo we're back at square 1.
i knew the conclusion before i wrote all this, but this is for all you people in TO, so you know how much y'all mean to me, that you still make me go back and forth, wishing for what i don't have, long after i knew what the final answer would be anyway. it's torturous, believe me, but i needed to remind myself of the reasons why i need to be here, because i was pretty depressed to be back.
so to my TO peeps - just cuz i'm here doesn't mean i love you guys any less!!!!!!!!
xoxo
Monday, June 1, 2009
attitude changes everything
ever since i moved from my apartment in burnaby to a basement suite in vancouver, i've had no shortage of computer/internet problems. for over a month, my laptop would crash whenever i tried reconnecting to the internet, which was probably about 10x a day. it got to a point where i was ready to smash it on the ground/throw it into the ocean and i was thisclose to buying a macbook.
then my landlord moved out from upstairs, and a new family moved in, but we didn't have internet for nearly 2 weeks, because telus couldn't come to install it earlier (landlord had shaw). i don't have computer/internet access @work (not to mention i'm only there for like 15hrs/week) and there weren't any unsecured networks around, so i had to go to the library/starbucks every day just to check email/fb/twitter etc etc.
about 2 weeks after we got internet, i got a note from the family upstairs saying they couldn't share internet with us (me and girl in the other suite) anymore, because there was a copyright infringement complaint filed against them! the other girl had downloaded a CSI torrent @work, and brought it home to watch..so be careful those of you who d/l!!
so i had to call telus and get internet installed downstairs, and this is where things got really interesting!the earliest they could come was a week later, which meant another week @the library/jackie's/starbucks. when the guy came to install internet, he said he didn't have a modem for me because the order didn't say i needed one. i called telus to ask why i didn't get a modem, and they said they made a mistake on the order so they'd get one to me the next day. it didn't come the next day, so i called them again to ask where it was, and they said it got sent to my old address. installation guy got it right, why didn't they get it right this time? then they said the earliest they could get the modem to me was a week later, because they depended on canada post's schedule. no idea how that works, since they were able to send it to my old address the next day, but not this time?very strange indeed.
i finally received the modem a week later, only to find that there was no internet connection. i called them again and they said someone would get back to me within the next 3 days. that was the last straw.
after a week of phoning telus almost everyday, being put on hold, yelling at the manager, getting frustrated and waiting for the modem and callbacks, i finally got internet at home! that was the climax of 3 months' worth of comp/internet frustrations.
what changed? i was sick and tired of being frustrated and pissed off, but i couldn't help it, because i've never had this much trouble with internet ever..and then i dropped my phone on the ground and the touch screen didn't work at all, so i was totally freaking out, since it was all i had left to connect with the world. i cried and then i decided to just accept it and let it go, since there was really nothing else i could do. part of life, right?
and then i started singing some worship songs...cuz i remembered what my pastor said that sunday-when we worship and sing praises to God, we're sticking it to the enemy! haha.. the next day, telus called and said i was lucky, cuz a technician was able to drop by that day and see what was wrong with the connection, turned out that the first guy didn't connect it properly, so he fixed it, and i finally finally had internet working. later that night @CG, i showed my phone to DK and he just snapped it back together and it worked again! i was so frustrated the day before i didn't even notice it had cracked open.
everything was made right again in just one day!after i decided to let it go, and realized that i am not lacking anything to survive, to say the least. i have a job, a place to live, food to eat, enough clothes to last me 2 months, supportive family and church community...i have much more than i actually need, so i have no right to complain. but of course, it's always easier to say once you're on the other side..
then my landlord moved out from upstairs, and a new family moved in, but we didn't have internet for nearly 2 weeks, because telus couldn't come to install it earlier (landlord had shaw). i don't have computer/internet access @work (not to mention i'm only there for like 15hrs/week) and there weren't any unsecured networks around, so i had to go to the library/starbucks every day just to check email/fb/twitter etc etc.
about 2 weeks after we got internet, i got a note from the family upstairs saying they couldn't share internet with us (me and girl in the other suite) anymore, because there was a copyright infringement complaint filed against them! the other girl had downloaded a CSI torrent @work, and brought it home to watch..so be careful those of you who d/l!!
so i had to call telus and get internet installed downstairs, and this is where things got really interesting!the earliest they could come was a week later, which meant another week @the library/jackie's/starbucks. when the guy came to install internet, he said he didn't have a modem for me because the order didn't say i needed one. i called telus to ask why i didn't get a modem, and they said they made a mistake on the order so they'd get one to me the next day. it didn't come the next day, so i called them again to ask where it was, and they said it got sent to my old address. installation guy got it right, why didn't they get it right this time? then they said the earliest they could get the modem to me was a week later, because they depended on canada post's schedule. no idea how that works, since they were able to send it to my old address the next day, but not this time?very strange indeed.
i finally received the modem a week later, only to find that there was no internet connection. i called them again and they said someone would get back to me within the next 3 days. that was the last straw.
after a week of phoning telus almost everyday, being put on hold, yelling at the manager, getting frustrated and waiting for the modem and callbacks, i finally got internet at home! that was the climax of 3 months' worth of comp/internet frustrations.
what changed? i was sick and tired of being frustrated and pissed off, but i couldn't help it, because i've never had this much trouble with internet ever..and then i dropped my phone on the ground and the touch screen didn't work at all, so i was totally freaking out, since it was all i had left to connect with the world. i cried and then i decided to just accept it and let it go, since there was really nothing else i could do. part of life, right?
and then i started singing some worship songs...cuz i remembered what my pastor said that sunday-when we worship and sing praises to God, we're sticking it to the enemy! haha.. the next day, telus called and said i was lucky, cuz a technician was able to drop by that day and see what was wrong with the connection, turned out that the first guy didn't connect it properly, so he fixed it, and i finally finally had internet working. later that night @CG, i showed my phone to DK and he just snapped it back together and it worked again! i was so frustrated the day before i didn't even notice it had cracked open.
everything was made right again in just one day!after i decided to let it go, and realized that i am not lacking anything to survive, to say the least. i have a job, a place to live, food to eat, enough clothes to last me 2 months, supportive family and church community...i have much more than i actually need, so i have no right to complain. but of course, it's always easier to say once you're on the other side..
Monday, May 4, 2009
home
so i have to admit, i've been feeling kind of homesick recently.. usually that happens when life's not going so well, which was the case in the last couple of weeks. when i'm homesick, i crave for the company of family and friends, my mom's homecooked food and milk tea, and chinese food in TO. (i love food ok?)
when things get really bad, i actually think about going home, as in moving back to TO. (yes, i experience temporary moments of insanity)
guess it's still my place of refuge and comfort, even though i've been living in Vancouver for almost 2 years now. (crazy huh?)
but God knows me too well, and yesterday as i got prayed over by church leaders, the FIRST thing justin said was "home", and "you've found your home already, and your home is here."
true story. thanks for making it loud and clear, big guy!
i've known that for a long time...but still have yet to let it go. i have to stop calling TO my home, cuz it's not anymore. Vancouver's my home now. sounds big and scary.. when i meet new people, most of them are surprised when i tell them i moved from TO by myself. i'm surprised too, actually now that i think about it.. definitely couldn't have done it if it wasn't in His plans for me.
when things get really bad, i actually think about going home, as in moving back to TO. (yes, i experience temporary moments of insanity)
guess it's still my place of refuge and comfort, even though i've been living in Vancouver for almost 2 years now. (crazy huh?)
but God knows me too well, and yesterday as i got prayed over by church leaders, the FIRST thing justin said was "home", and "you've found your home already, and your home is here."
true story. thanks for making it loud and clear, big guy!
i've known that for a long time...but still have yet to let it go. i have to stop calling TO my home, cuz it's not anymore. Vancouver's my home now. sounds big and scary.. when i meet new people, most of them are surprised when i tell them i moved from TO by myself. i'm surprised too, actually now that i think about it.. definitely couldn't have done it if it wasn't in His plans for me.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
the moments i work for/why i love my job
many times when people ask me how my job's going i don't always have the best response.. because i forget things easily, and the tiredness and sore throat stay with me long after i finish working.
when work is over, i forget about it, and i leave it behind.. maybe a little too much.
i forget about the brief instances where a genuine connection was formed, and i forget about the moments that reaffirm my calling to this occupation and makes it all worth it.
like when they just sang goodbye to me spontaneously after i finished singing goodbye to them. or when someone said they missed me after not seeing them for a week, or when family members/staff tell me how much the residents enjoy the music, and i receive constant appreciation and thanks for my job.
after i finished a session last week, one of the residents said to me, you know that was just under an hour but in a place like this, a day can be really long..
not to mention that God has blessed me in all the different aspects of my job...kind, sweet residents to work with (save for a few), family members/staff who help me set up for sessions, a manager who believes in me and what i do even though she hasn't seen 85% of my work, and nearly double the number of work hours in a week after i started (from 10 to 18 hours)!!
i think He really wants to show me just how much He loves me, cuz i didn't do anything to deserve all of those extra cherries on top, to say the least!
when work is over, i forget about it, and i leave it behind.. maybe a little too much.
i forget about the brief instances where a genuine connection was formed, and i forget about the moments that reaffirm my calling to this occupation and makes it all worth it.
like when they just sang goodbye to me spontaneously after i finished singing goodbye to them. or when someone said they missed me after not seeing them for a week, or when family members/staff tell me how much the residents enjoy the music, and i receive constant appreciation and thanks for my job.
after i finished a session last week, one of the residents said to me, you know that was just under an hour but in a place like this, a day can be really long..
not to mention that God has blessed me in all the different aspects of my job...kind, sweet residents to work with (save for a few), family members/staff who help me set up for sessions, a manager who believes in me and what i do even though she hasn't seen 85% of my work, and nearly double the number of work hours in a week after i started (from 10 to 18 hours)!!
i think He really wants to show me just how much He loves me, cuz i didn't do anything to deserve all of those extra cherries on top, to say the least!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
things that warm my heart
-the imoo boys: they just melt my heart. one is 2 years old, and i've had the chance to help his mom put him to sleep twice, at the end of which he says, "i love you tasey"..it's the most precious thing in the world!!honestly it'd be ok if i died now. and when i get to hold his baby brother, who's almost 3 months old, everything is good in the world again when i see him sleep peacefully in my arms. i just can't explain it...i don't want to let him go even when my arm starts going numb.
-random words of kindness in conversation.. ie. talking to you always makes me smile :)
-talking to my sisters on the phone-we never did until last fall
-vanilla bean lattes from second cup
-seeing the kids @church hug each other spontaneously
-catching up w/close friends one-on-one
-receiving cards/pictures/packages in the mail
-chilling out in one of my sisters' rooms talking about nothing and acting stupid/weird to make them laugh
-seeing the snow-capped mountains in the distance on a clear day
-having dinner as a whole family at home
-when joshua calls his brother "baby matthew!" with a big smile on his face
-random text messages from friends
-walking in/next to the ocean and listening to the waves
-random words of kindness in conversation.. ie. talking to you always makes me smile :)
-talking to my sisters on the phone-we never did until last fall
-vanilla bean lattes from second cup
-seeing the kids @church hug each other spontaneously
-catching up w/close friends one-on-one
-receiving cards/pictures/packages in the mail
-chilling out in one of my sisters' rooms talking about nothing and acting stupid/weird to make them laugh
-seeing the snow-capped mountains in the distance on a clear day
-having dinner as a whole family at home
-when joshua calls his brother "baby matthew!" with a big smile on his face
-random text messages from friends
-walking in/next to the ocean and listening to the waves
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
better late than never, right?
my goals for this year:
1. Drive down the coast to Califooooornia this summer
2. Finish my music therapy accreditation
3. To be fully independent financially
4. Go camping somewhere this summer
5. Persuade TO friends to visit me, if not move here
6. Save up $$ to visit Min in Australia in the next 2 years
7. Meet people outside of church
8. Attempt the Grouse Grind
9. Exercise 2x/month... as opposed to 1x/year..
10. Take better photos
11. Go to Vegas for a shopping spree and see "O"
12. Learn how to rollerblade and attempt blading on the seawall again
13. Go white water rafting and sailing
guess that was more of a "what i want to do this summer" list...but i do live for the summer :)
1. Drive down the coast to Califooooornia this summer
2. Finish my music therapy accreditation
3. To be fully independent financially
4. Go camping somewhere this summer
5. Persuade TO friends to visit me, if not move here
6. Save up $$ to visit Min in Australia in the next 2 years
7. Meet people outside of church
8. Attempt the Grouse Grind
9. Exercise 2x/month... as opposed to 1x/year..
10. Take better photos
11. Go to Vegas for a shopping spree and see "O"
12. Learn how to rollerblade and attempt blading on the seawall again
13. Go white water rafting and sailing
guess that was more of a "what i want to do this summer" list...but i do live for the summer :)
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