Tuesday, November 11, 2008

love, love, love

He has been pouring it over me ever since i came here...but i have never experienced it so tangibly and intensely before, and i'm only starting to realize it. i mean, i knew He loved me before, but THIS MUCH?! now it's just getting ridiculous.

this past year has been like a fast-forwarded chapter in my life.. i found a church community i love in just a little over a month (while it's taken a year for others), tried out whatever i could to put myself in the shoes of a vancouverite in the last 9 months of my internship only to discover how much i love the city, and established friendships almost as close as the ones i made in 4 years.

but God has been upping the ante during these past few weeks and it's undeniable. 2 weeks ago when i was feeling kinda lonely, one of my friends texted me, saying that God told her to tell me that He loves me, because she got a sense of loneliness and He wanted me to know that He's next to me right now so i don't have to feel it anymore. that just completely blew my mind, because i don't think God's spoken to me like that so tangibly before, and i didn't even talk to her the whole day (we work together)!

that was kind of a wake-up call (literally haha) for me, because loneliness has always been of my bigger struggles, and i guess it never completely goes away, cuz i still feel lonely and i just try to ignore it by distracting myself with other things ie. tv/movies/shopping/going out..so i halfheartedly mentioned that maybe i should do a tv show fast, and 2 of my girlfriends were planning to fast too, so we started on november 3rd, and the end will be indefinite. but God is good, because He provided the accountability for me even before i had thought of it.

another funny thing is that the day before, two women prayed for me after church, because a month ago, one of them really felt that she needed to pray for my job search, but a major part of their prayers were about God's love for me-His BIG, larger than life, unconditional love. she also said that she's never prayed for someone and felt so much love for them that her heart just broke. at the time though, i didn't get why they kept telling me that God loves me over and over again cuz i knew that already, but i guess i didn't..

this past weekend i went to the church retreat, and He just poured out His love on me. the first night i was kind of distracted for some reason, so i wasn't fully 'there'. i told one of the girls there, and then she prayed for me-and did she EVER. what i thought would be a short prayer turned into a full-out Spirit-led prayer that just broke me down. everything she prayed about in my life was SO accurate and covered basically everything i'm going through right now and more. like how things always change and so i try to control whatever i can, and it's become my friend..but God wants me to just let go. and the thought of letting go just terrifies me, because i'll feel like i'll have nothing left, but that's what He wants me to do-to be emptied and broken for Him. and how i always like to know what's coming up, and i worry about how i'm going to get from point A to B, but He's telling me to let Him worry about it, and He just wants me to lay it all down. this season is a time for me and Him, and He's asking if i'll just let Him pursue me, because i'm worth it.

that's only half of what she prayed, but i barely even know her and the Holy Spirit used her to bring things to the surface and open my eyes.

pretty ridiculous right? that's God for you!

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