Father's heart

I just remembered something from Sunday's service. So most the kids in our church are really young-like toddlers, and during worship they usually roam freely amongst the adults, or stay with their parents, and they're suuuuuuuper cute, so you can't help but look.

Anyway this particular Sunday, one of the girls started to tear up a bit, and her mom just swooped her up in her arms and although she still had tears in her eyes, you could tell that she wasn't anxious anymore and felt secure in her mother's arms. That's when I realized that in the same way, God never wants to see us hurt or scared and He only wants the best for us.

I mean yeah, of course I knew that before, but my thoughts and actions didn't reflect that truth. There's been so many times where I've taken over the wheel and tried hurrying things along, because nothing seemed to be happening and I was getting anxious.. when I really just needed to sit back and let Him work things out in His perfect way and timing.

Like this job thing. It's driving me nuts, because I know He wants me to stay here, but I haven't the slightest idea of when/what/where/how....and I want to know so badly so I can plan things out, but I can't, because I don't know! I really admire people with great faith-it definitely takes a LOT to believe in the unseen.

a sign from God

that is one of the signs you'll see a lot in Vancouver, especially along the beaches and around Stanley Park, indicating a bicycle route. and now i have one sitting in my living room!

there's been a lotta crazy stuff happening lately.. and after much struggling, going back and forth from being fully confident that God will provide a job for me to being overwhelmed by the nature of the music therapy field, i finally made the decision yesterday to lay down my roots here and let go of everything and just trust Him.

so tonight, my friend Lina called me out because she couldn't eat @home. we went to dinner around Kits and then took a walk afterwards around the beach. after walking for a bit, i noticed a sign on the ground, leaning against the pole, and then Lina told me we could pick it up after we finished walking. i kept thinking about it as we walked, slightly worried that someone else might pick it up before we did, since there were some people walking their dogs etc. anyway, Lina proceeded to tell me that God already has a job for me, and it is confirmed, because as she prayed for it, God was asking her why she was still praying for it because it's already been done! she didn't tell me until tonight, because of some personal issues, but it was totally God's timing, because i might not have been able to receive that as openly if i were to have heard it before while i was still struggling. she also said that when i was telling her about my anxiety around my job situation, she felt that it wasn't even an obstacle i had to jump over, but i just had to step over it!hahahah.. it definitely didn't seem like that to me, but i believe that's the last of it, and now i just need to face my parents.

after walking for about 15-20mins, we went back to her car and then picked up the sign BAHAHAHAHAH! it was definitely a sign from God, because why would there be a sign just sitting on the ground..and it was by the beach too, my absolute favourite place to be in the city, and partly why i fell in love with Vancouver...and now i actually own a part of it! haahahah. i think it's pretty significant, because i don't have anything i own here.. unless you count my bed and clothes? but wow God is just so ridiculously crazy, it was like He just gave it to me-easy as pie, and all i needed to do was take it! and now i really believe that anything is possible.

love, love, love

He has been pouring it over me ever since i came here...but i have never experienced it so tangibly and intensely before, and i'm only starting to realize it. i mean, i knew He loved me before, but THIS MUCH?! now it's just getting ridiculous.

this past year has been like a fast-forwarded chapter in my life.. i found a church community i love in just a little over a month (while it's taken a year for others), tried out whatever i could to put myself in the shoes of a vancouverite in the last 9 months of my internship only to discover how much i love the city, and established friendships almost as close as the ones i made in 4 years.

but God has been upping the ante during these past few weeks and it's undeniable. 2 weeks ago when i was feeling kinda lonely, one of my friends texted me, saying that God told her to tell me that He loves me, because she got a sense of loneliness and He wanted me to know that He's next to me right now so i don't have to feel it anymore. that just completely blew my mind, because i don't think God's spoken to me like that so tangibly before, and i didn't even talk to her the whole day (we work together)!

that was kind of a wake-up call (literally haha) for me, because loneliness has always been of my bigger struggles, and i guess it never completely goes away, cuz i still feel lonely and i just try to ignore it by distracting myself with other things ie. tv/movies/shopping/going out..so i halfheartedly mentioned that maybe i should do a tv show fast, and 2 of my girlfriends were planning to fast too, so we started on november 3rd, and the end will be indefinite. but God is good, because He provided the accountability for me even before i had thought of it.

another funny thing is that the day before, two women prayed for me after church, because a month ago, one of them really felt that she needed to pray for my job search, but a major part of their prayers were about God's love for me-His BIG, larger than life, unconditional love. she also said that she's never prayed for someone and felt so much love for them that her heart just broke. at the time though, i didn't get why they kept telling me that God loves me over and over again cuz i knew that already, but i guess i didn't..

this past weekend i went to the church retreat, and He just poured out His love on me. the first night i was kind of distracted for some reason, so i wasn't fully 'there'. i told one of the girls there, and then she prayed for me-and did she EVER. what i thought would be a short prayer turned into a full-out Spirit-led prayer that just broke me down. everything she prayed about in my life was SO accurate and covered basically everything i'm going through right now and more. like how things always change and so i try to control whatever i can, and it's become my friend..but God wants me to just let go. and the thought of letting go just terrifies me, because i'll feel like i'll have nothing left, but that's what He wants me to do-to be emptied and broken for Him. and how i always like to know what's coming up, and i worry about how i'm going to get from point A to B, but He's telling me to let Him worry about it, and He just wants me to lay it all down. this season is a time for me and Him, and He's asking if i'll just let Him pursue me, because i'm worth it.

that's only half of what she prayed, but i barely even know her and the Holy Spirit used her to bring things to the surface and open my eyes.

pretty ridiculous right? that's God for you!

some kind of incredible...

the story of how i fell in love with the west coast... it's been 1 year, 1 month, and 7 days. an incredible year to say the least. so much has happened and changed. guess that's life.

when i heard about people moving away or friends leaving as i grew up, i always thought to myself that i'd never be one of those people; i could never move from Toronto and leave all my friends! but now that i've tasted and seen the west coast, i've slowly changed my mind.

i was really homesick recently, when i heard about things that were happening back home, and as much as i longed to be home, i had no means to do it, since home wasn't just an hour and half drive away anymore like when i lived in Waterloo. i hadn't been this homesick for a really long time-usually it's just a moment here and there triggered by reminders of home, but this time i even thought about moving back. as much as i miss my family and friends in Toronto, it was hard to imagine myself being back; i couldn't really see where i 'fit in' anymore. which further confirms my decision to stay here (as long as i find a job) because moving back didn't appeal to me, even when i felt extremely homesick.

this past year has been full of new experiences, adventures, challenges, learning, and growth, but overall, it has been a journey of discovering God in fresh and new ways, and a renewal of my relationship with Him. as my friend observed, God has been capturing my heart here in Vancouver. i have never felt so consistently loved by Him alone, and He has awakened my heart and my mind to understand old and new truths about His character. going to New Joy was the beginning of it all..my eyes have been opened to how BIG He really is, and how powerfully the Holy Spirit can move in our lives.

so although my parents have given me only until December to find a music therapy job, i have faith that God will provide, because i don't think my time is up here yet, which has also been affirmed by others. it's gonna take a lot to tear me away from the mountains and ocean here!

plan to be surprised.

4 years ago, i posted this picture up, and wondered where in the WORLD would i find cherry blossom trees? i thought they only existed in japan, so i'd probably never see them since they only bloom for a few months each year. i was completely ecstatic when i found out that they also existed in vancouver earlier this year. just goes to show that God cares about even the smallest details in my life, in addition to the big things...

when i first arrived here in Vancouver, people told me that i wouldn't want to leave this place by the time i finished my internship, but i didn't believe them. actually, friends back home said that too.. but i was so sure i'd be returning to Toronto after a year, because i was leaving my family and all my closest friends behind-basically all the people i love and care about. i didn't think it'd be possible to live over 4,000km away from them for a year, much less over a year. i felt like a big part of me was missing without my friends-that i wasn't fully "me" without them. it was strange, meeting all these new people who knew nothing about me or my past-i felt a little lost, since everyone was connected in some way back in Toronto.

the first few months were the most difficult, but expected since i needed time to re-adjust to a new environment and people. when i came back to Vancouver after going home for Christmas, i was ready to fully experience life here, and i made a conscious decision to make the most of my time here by trying out all the city had to offer. and boy did God show me! He turned my heart around and blessed me with girlfriends and an amazing church community, who opened my eyes to see more of God...which were, looking back now, what i needed the most.

but God doesn't just give the minimum-He pours out His love in abundance! after going to the beaches here, i was completely hooked. summer didn't begin until july, but once it arrived, it has been sunny everyday except for maybe one or two rainy days at most! a record for the rainy city. but i've been able to go to the beach almost every weekend at least once-i just can't get enough of the ocean and the mountains.

it's as if life propelled forward since i came back after Christmas, and God turned it all around so quickly. now i don't want to leave-i'm having way too much fun here. guess you'll just never know what will happen when you walk forward in obedience. i came so that i'd be more independent and grow and discover more about who i am... i'm comfortable with doing things on my own now, actually even prefer it sometimes, which is surprising to me, since i love being with others. God has really blessed me here, and i don't want to leave anytime soon. His plans are so much bigger than my plans-who am i to fight that?

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

craziness

i think that just about summarizes the last two months.. with my sister visiting in late april and vicki for the last 2 weeks.. it's been non-stop fun. i haven't really had time to just sit and reflect. i can't seem to catch up with how fast time is going.

besides having visitors, there's been a lot of things going on at church too.. there's been numerous healings (uneven legs becoming even, lactose intolerant people can drink milk now, bodily pains disappearing..) and it seems to be moving forward quickly.. when the pastor started praying for healing at church, and stuff began happening, i was really really taken aback, and skeptical and o_O since i've never known anything like that before.

but after today, i don't want to be afraid anymore. i don't want to be scared to experience all of who He is and i just want to see Him and act through the Spirit's power in me. i was praying for Him to fill me up, so that others may experience His power/presence through me.. and when the pastor's wife, sonya, prayed for me, and she said that God has already given me the power and the authority-i just need to claim it and be obedient to whatever He calls me to do.

interestingly enough, a few weeks ago, the pastor came to our cg to 'de-mystify' the recent happenings in our church, and to answer any q's we might have.. afterwards he prayed for each of us, and when he prayed for me, he said something about me being a woman of authority, and that i'll speak of things w/weight and authority. when i heard that i was kind of incredulous..me? having authority?! LOL.. i'm probably the last person to be that.. but in sonya's prayer today, she said that God uses anyone...soo who knows. i just need to do my part and let Him work through me. nothing to lose, but everything to gain.

it was just so good to pray and sit in His presence today. i felt so peaceful.. for a change, since i'm usually rushing around to one thing or another. i really can't believe it's june already. only a few more months until i'm done my internship i HOPE! and then maybe some travelling......i can't wait to see what He's got in store for me in the coming months :)

pieces of home

in the last few days i've been able to talk to people back home, moreso than usual. yesterday, i got a call from an old friend from waterloo, during his stopover in Vancouver, and i discovered that an old hs friend is currently in Vancouver..today, i was on the phone with one of my best girlfriends from hs, who's coming to visit in May!!!!!, so i'm trying to plan a road trip to Banff (along with white water rafting hopefully!) and another friend who may be visiting in July too..such exciting things to look forward to:)

speaking of which, i've been doing some recording once a week for the past month with my newly adopted irish uncle Alastair, doing some covers and songs he's written. i could listen to him play guitar all day..can't wait until we have one completed song. despite the 34-year age gap, we clicked instantly-maybe because of his sarcastic humour, or maybe because of his youthfulness at heart. he also has the two cutest dogs who compete for your attention, and a stylish wife (lululemon sweatpants and black uggs!), Glenda, whom i've also adopted as my aunt, as we share the same love for food, especially dim sum and seafood:) although i've only started getting to know them better, they feel like family to me already.

for more pictures of what i've been up to lately, click here: http://picasaweb.google.ca/tracy.kwan